Most girls I know are "daddy's girls". I love my dad. He has always been a staple in my life but I'm a mommas girl. Always have been. We are two peas in a pod. We fight. We disagree, often. I sometimes cannot stand her opinions but I don't make a decision without calling her. I take pictures from dressing rooms of an outfit for her approval. I never take her dating advice but I giggle about it when I ask. We talk as soon as I wake up and before I go to bed, every single day.
Well, that was up until 9 months ago.
I always viewed my mom as strong and powerful. She could accomplish anything she set her mind to. This cancer has stripped her of that. She is weak. She is scared. She is defeated. She isn't fighting; at least how I imagined her to fight. Where is that woman I knew that wasn't afraid of who she pissed off with her opinion? Funny thing is I seem to emulate her if the situation was reversed and she hates it! She tells me I'm too harsh. I'm too strict. Ha. Oh mom! You need it.
I know I'm selfish in saying this but I miss my mom. I miss our conversations. I miss her voice. I miss her opinions. I miss her spunk and unwarranted criticism.
She has to get better. She has to get stronger. She just has to...
Friday, August 24, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
28 for 28
28 for 28
1. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Express my feelings. Really? I'm tired of playing it cool.. If I feel it, I'm sharing it!
2. Learn to drive stick. ( Why did my dad teach only 3 out of his 4 daughters, anyways?)
3. Be in the best shape of my life.
4. Save $$$$
5. Visit 5 new states and 1 new country ( I am limiting myself this year.)6. Frontier days! Ugh tired of making plans that fall through, I am going 2013!
7. Concert at red rocks amphitheater
8. Never miss sending a birthday card to all I love.
9. Go back to school
10. Wear heels. Stop being ashamed of my height. 11. Patience in real life. Not just work.
12. Forgive. ( a lot of people)
13. Create not destroy.
14. Fall back in love with the road.
15. Monthly conversations with the fab 5. My
16. Inspire. Encourage. Enlighten.
17. High school reunion.
18. Pray more. Really pray. On my knees.
19. Plant. Garden. Grow.
20. Monthly sleepovers with my niece.
21. Walk away.
22. No more Mr. Big.
23. Give CO a real chance.
24. Don't resent them, it's your choice.
25. Miss NYC less and less each day.
26. Visit your boys in the spring.
27. Nye in NYC
28. Find a little faith to fall back on.
1. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Express my feelings. Really? I'm tired of playing it cool.. If I feel it, I'm sharing it!
2. Learn to drive stick. ( Why did my dad teach only 3 out of his 4 daughters, anyways?)
3. Be in the best shape of my life.
4. Save $$$$
5. Visit 5 new states and 1 new country ( I am limiting myself this year.)6. Frontier days! Ugh tired of making plans that fall through, I am going 2013!
7. Concert at red rocks amphitheater
8. Never miss sending a birthday card to all I love.
9. Go back to school
10. Wear heels. Stop being ashamed of my height. 11. Patience in real life. Not just work.
12. Forgive. ( a lot of people)
13. Create not destroy.
14. Fall back in love with the road.
15. Monthly conversations with the fab 5. My
16. Inspire. Encourage. Enlighten.
17. High school reunion.
18. Pray more. Really pray. On my knees.
19. Plant. Garden. Grow.
20. Monthly sleepovers with my niece.
21. Walk away.
22. No more Mr. Big.
23. Give CO a real chance.
24. Don't resent them, it's your choice.
25. Miss NYC less and less each day.
26. Visit your boys in the spring.
27. Nye in NYC
28. Find a little faith to fall back on.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Week 1
Don't mess with velcro.
Within every large family there is sure to be a variety of characters. We have the needy one, the dramatic one, the strong one, the funny one, the angry one, the sensitive one- and so on. We do not always get along but this week we stand together to form the most powerful force around our center. We band together to fight not only for her but with our mother.
Listen up cancer, you have NO chance! Get the hell out!! You know the saying "don't mess with Texas?" Well, the Velcro Family is Texas. We are large and in charge. We don't fight alone. You mess with one of us you get the wrath of us all. This is not our mother's battle, this is our fight.
Our mother is strong. She is a fighter but no one is invisible. Fear will take over. Exhaustion will subside but for her we will take over. With each individual strength that we hold we can take over bits and pieces of her pain. The angry one will fight the cancer. The sensitive one will hold her hand. The needy one will, well will probably need a hand too. The dramatic one will cause such a spectacle that it will scare the cancer to the moon. The funny one will cure us all through infectious laughter. The strong one will hold us all together when we want to crack. This is what we do. Individually we are all hot messes but together we are a force to be reckoned with.
We are the Velcro family. We stick together.
Chemo and radiation week 1
Within every large family there is sure to be a variety of characters. We have the needy one, the dramatic one, the strong one, the funny one, the angry one, the sensitive one- and so on. We do not always get along but this week we stand together to form the most powerful force around our center. We band together to fight not only for her but with our mother.
Listen up cancer, you have NO chance! Get the hell out!! You know the saying "don't mess with Texas?" Well, the Velcro Family is Texas. We are large and in charge. We don't fight alone. You mess with one of us you get the wrath of us all. This is not our mother's battle, this is our fight.
Our mother is strong. She is a fighter but no one is invisible. Fear will take over. Exhaustion will subside but for her we will take over. With each individual strength that we hold we can take over bits and pieces of her pain. The angry one will fight the cancer. The sensitive one will hold her hand. The needy one will, well will probably need a hand too. The dramatic one will cause such a spectacle that it will scare the cancer to the moon. The funny one will cure us all through infectious laughter. The strong one will hold us all together when we want to crack. This is what we do. Individually we are all hot messes but together we are a force to be reckoned with.
We are the Velcro family. We stick together.
Chemo and radiation week 1
Sunday, January 22, 2012
My plea
I've got her spirit and she's always got my back.
I see myself like my mother does...
If you know me you know I don't really do emotion. Not the real kind. I hate to feel anything. I am terrified to feel. It is a downfall of mine that has gotten me through the last ten plus years. I always thought that it only applied to nonchalant issues but as this situation seems to present itself I have found that I slip farther and farther into the woods. I'm hiding. I'm avoiding. I'm running...
But she needs me. She tells me she does. Her daughter that runs away from pain, her daughter that runs away from doom, her daughter that runs away from stress is the daughter she needs.
I need to find the strength. I know it is there. This is my calling. My mother is my life, she gave me life; I would give my life for her life.
Help me find this strength...
I see myself like my mother does...
If you know me you know I don't really do emotion. Not the real kind. I hate to feel anything. I am terrified to feel. It is a downfall of mine that has gotten me through the last ten plus years. I always thought that it only applied to nonchalant issues but as this situation seems to present itself I have found that I slip farther and farther into the woods. I'm hiding. I'm avoiding. I'm running...
But she needs me. She tells me she does. Her daughter that runs away from pain, her daughter that runs away from doom, her daughter that runs away from stress is the daughter she needs.
I need to find the strength. I know it is there. This is my calling. My mother is my life, she gave me life; I would give my life for her life.
Help me find this strength...
Friday, January 13, 2012
2012
Cancer.
We know this word. We fear this word. Most of us do everything in our power to live a clean and healthy life in any way to prevent this word.
What if that isn't enough? What if it doesn't really matter?
What if?
I have decided to talk about it.
My mom has cancer.
Words I never expected to say. Words I never wanted to say. Words I wish I could take back.
We know this word. We fear this word. Most of us do everything in our power to live a clean and healthy life in any way to prevent this word.
What if that isn't enough? What if it doesn't really matter?
What if?
I have decided to talk about it.
My mom has cancer.
Words I never expected to say. Words I never wanted to say. Words I wish I could take back.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Countdown til' the end.
I think it is time to break up with the love of my life.
I never thought this time would come. When you utterly feel like it is harder to fake happiness than to change it. I have loved this city as far as I can remember but I feel a pit deep in my stomach. When I set my year goal on the East Coast I only assumed I would complete it and move on. As that year surpassed I was so deeply enamored with the beauty of my life here I could not imagine leaving. My journey was not over. The most confusing feeling was the moment I realized every plan I had set in motion was over and I had nothing else. I was confused on what was next but at the same time I was excited and thrilled. People kept asking me when I was moving back and I had no answer. I wasn't moving back. I loved the hours at work, I loved my apartment, I loved the money, and I loved my friends. Isn't that a complete life? Why would I leave? But, should I leave?
It was June 30th, the day I gave myself as a cut off as the decision maker. Move or stay. I still had no idea. July 25th: no decision. So maybe life isn't as black and white as I had hoped. Maybe I cannot give myself a date to decide and expect to really know if I made the right decision. I did the only thing I knew how to do, I kept on. As I have previously said probably 1000 times we all have a love/hate relationship with New York and so I figured I was in the hate stage and sure enough as fall approached I would "fall" in love again, right? I did last year. Why would I leave before I was about to fall even deeper? What if...
It is October 31st and I have never been more sure of my love lost than I am now. It is like the relationship with the guy you love that is not good for you. The one that is so much fun but can never give you the life you want. That is my New York. I love this city with my soul. This city has changed me and saved me but I have to leave. I do not doubt that the next 8 months will be the most glorious and memorable in my life but I feel satisfied in my decision. I am proud of what I have accomplished here and I am even more proud of who I am. To me, that this exactly what love is. It changed you, forms you. and forces you to grow and move on...
I never thought this time would come. When you utterly feel like it is harder to fake happiness than to change it. I have loved this city as far as I can remember but I feel a pit deep in my stomach. When I set my year goal on the East Coast I only assumed I would complete it and move on. As that year surpassed I was so deeply enamored with the beauty of my life here I could not imagine leaving. My journey was not over. The most confusing feeling was the moment I realized every plan I had set in motion was over and I had nothing else. I was confused on what was next but at the same time I was excited and thrilled. People kept asking me when I was moving back and I had no answer. I wasn't moving back. I loved the hours at work, I loved my apartment, I loved the money, and I loved my friends. Isn't that a complete life? Why would I leave? But, should I leave?
It was June 30th, the day I gave myself as a cut off as the decision maker. Move or stay. I still had no idea. July 25th: no decision. So maybe life isn't as black and white as I had hoped. Maybe I cannot give myself a date to decide and expect to really know if I made the right decision. I did the only thing I knew how to do, I kept on. As I have previously said probably 1000 times we all have a love/hate relationship with New York and so I figured I was in the hate stage and sure enough as fall approached I would "fall" in love again, right? I did last year. Why would I leave before I was about to fall even deeper? What if...
It is October 31st and I have never been more sure of my love lost than I am now. It is like the relationship with the guy you love that is not good for you. The one that is so much fun but can never give you the life you want. That is my New York. I love this city with my soul. This city has changed me and saved me but I have to leave. I do not doubt that the next 8 months will be the most glorious and memorable in my life but I feel satisfied in my decision. I am proud of what I have accomplished here and I am even more proud of who I am. To me, that this exactly what love is. It changed you, forms you. and forces you to grow and move on...
Saturday, July 30, 2011
About time I spoke up.
All we do right is make love
We both know now it ain’t enough
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
God I ask you where’s from
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Baby who we are just didn’t work
But maybe we can leave with something out of all this hurt
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Let’s kiss tomorrow goodbye.
We both know now it ain’t enough
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
God I ask you where’s from
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Baby who we are just didn’t work
But maybe we can leave with something out of all this hurt
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Let’s kiss tomorrow goodbye.
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