Thursday, February 24, 2011

Roller coasters in the City

February has been more of a roller coaster ride than a month on the calendar.  This month is leaving me feeling a bit dizzy, confused, and wonder struck. 

 Remember how you felt on your very first roller coaster ride? The first time you strapped into the seat and  began on the endless climb to the top of the first drop? This month began just like that. A never ending climb that as distance from the ground increased my stomach grew more and more anxious and nervous. 

 You can see how the ride looks from the ground but experiencing it can be very different. 'What ifs' are flooding through your mind and it is difficult to steady your fears and find grace. It feels like it is taking forever to get to the top of this ride.  As soon as you are there you only have a brief second left to try and breath in the experience.   Tell yourself that no matter how this ride goes, enjoy it while you can. Before you know it you are thrusted  full speed ahead dropping, twisting, and flipping. Before I knew it I was full speed ahead through to the end of this month fully heightened to every drop, turn, and flip I was feeling. The only way I can explain this sensation is to try and imagine the moment you step off that ride with your hair a mess not really sure how to embrace your emotions about what juts happened, but you are smiling to say the least. Wahoo, what a ride!

Now what? Your friends are shouting, "Again! or Next ride!"  Why are we always in a rush to head to the next ride? Whether it is striving for another chapter in the same book or a completely new book, why does everyone crave a constant flow of change? February is closing and I am still that girl with her hair a mess trying to grasp a little clarity about my emotions and I am OK with that.  I am better than OK with it. I think I will just stay right here and enjoy the memory of the ride with no intention of explaining any of it.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


I know we all know the say "when one door closes another opens" but I do not entirely agree with this.  I do believe that in life we are constantly changing with the jobs we take, people we meet, and relationships we make. When one door closes a window cracks open.  It is our responsibility to notice the draft and welcome the breeze.  As we continue to open each window, life happens.

My life happens to be moving backwards. The world is moving backwards. My world is moving backwards. The biggest door I have ever seen in my life creaked open and I could smell it;  I could hear hear and feel it.  For the better part of my life I would have run from this but this time I looked at the door and barged through.  What I saw and experienced was amazing and magical.  Words cannot express it. He was amazing and exactly what I needed at that moment. As quickly as this door emerged and open, it shut.  I am ok with this.  In fact I am better than ok, I am honored. I take so much from this experience that my life will never be the same.  The friends I make and the men I love from now on will get to experience a Lindsay most have never met. 

Of course at a time I wished this door was my final path but I think I knew it was not meant to be.  This is where I needed my window to relieve me from the constant heat.  I began to open it slightly more and more each day.  I did not know, nor do I know now what this means. I do know that my life is moving backwards.  As I move forward my relationships and experiences circle back to the past.

 This is funny to me because as I was reading my horoscope today I was caught off gaurd. Believe. Don't believe, I do not care. This is what I read: "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want, and experience is exactly what you got this time. Use it wisely to guide you in a new direction. Call on your well-earned wisdom to figure out a new way of doing something.  If you can apply a recent lesson to a new effort, you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

Point taken.