Friday, August 24, 2012

New reality

Most girls I know are "daddy's girls". I love my dad. He has always been a staple in my life but I'm a mommas girl. Always have been. We are two peas in a pod. We fight. We disagree, often. I sometimes cannot stand her opinions but I don't make a decision without calling her. I take pictures from dressing rooms of an outfit for her approval. I never take her dating advice but I giggle about it when I ask.  We talk as soon as I wake up and before I go to bed, every single day. 

Well, that was up until 9 months ago. 

I always viewed my mom as strong and powerful. She could accomplish anything she set her mind to. This cancer has stripped her of that. She is weak. She is scared. She is defeated. She isn't fighting; at least how I imagined her to fight. Where is that woman I knew that wasn't afraid of who she pissed off with her opinion? Funny thing is I seem to emulate her if the situation was reversed and she hates it! She tells me I'm too harsh.  I'm too strict. Ha. Oh mom! You need it. 

I know I'm selfish in saying this but I miss my mom. I miss our conversations. I miss her voice. I miss her opinions.  I miss her spunk and unwarranted criticism. 

She has to get better. She has to get stronger. She just has to... 

Thursday, August 9, 2012

28 for 28

28 for 28
1. Wear my heart on my sleeve. Express my feelings. Really? I'm tired of playing it cool.. If I feel it, I'm sharing it!
2. Learn to drive stick. ( Why did my dad teach only 3 out of his 4 daughters, anyways?)
3. Be in the best shape of my life.
4. Save $$$$
5. Visit 5 new states and 1 new country ( I am limiting myself this year.)
6. Frontier days!  Ugh tired of making plans that fall through, I am going 2013!
7. Concert at red rocks amphitheater
8. Never miss sending a birthday card to all I love.
9.   Go back to school
10. Wear heels. Stop being ashamed of my height. 
11. Patience in real life. Not just work.
12. Forgive. ( a lot of people)
13. Create not destroy.
14. Fall back in love with the road.
15. Monthly conversations with the fab 5. My
16. Inspire. Encourage. Enlighten.
17. High school reunion.
18. Pray more. Really pray. On my knees.
19. Plant. Garden. Grow.
20. Monthly sleepovers with my niece.
21. Walk away.
22. No more Mr. Big.
23. Give CO a real chance.
24. Don't resent them, it's your choice.
25. Miss NYC less and less each day.
26. Visit your boys in the spring.
27. Nye in NYC
28. Find a little faith to fall back on.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Week 1

Don't mess with velcro.

Within every large family there is sure to be a variety of characters.  We have the needy one, the dramatic one, the strong one, the funny one, the angry one, the sensitive one- and so on.  We do not always get along but this week we stand together to form the most powerful force around our center.  We band together to fight not only for her but with our mother.

Listen up cancer, you have NO chance! Get the hell out!!  You know the saying "don't mess with Texas?" Well, the Velcro Family is Texas.  We are large and in charge.  We don't fight alone.  You mess with one of us you get the wrath of us all. This is not our mother's battle, this is our fight.

Our mother is strong.  She is a fighter but no one is invisible.  Fear will take over. Exhaustion will subside but for her we will take over.  With each individual strength that we hold we can take over bits and pieces of her pain. The angry one will fight the cancer.  The sensitive one will hold her hand. The needy one will, well will probably need a hand too.  The dramatic one will cause such a spectacle that it will scare the cancer to the moon. The funny one will cure us all through infectious laughter. The strong one will hold us all together when we want to crack. This is what we do. Individually we are all hot messes but together we are a force to be reckoned with.

We are the Velcro family.  We stick together. 

Chemo and radiation week 1

Sunday, January 22, 2012

My plea

I've got her spirit and she's always got my back.

I see myself like my mother does...

If you know me you know I don't really do emotion. Not the real kind.  I hate to feel anything. I am terrified to feel.  It is a downfall of mine that has gotten me through the last ten plus years.  I always thought that it only applied to nonchalant issues but as this situation seems to present itself I have found that I slip farther and farther into the woods.  I'm hiding.  I'm avoiding.  I'm running...

But she needs me. She tells me she does. Her daughter that runs away from pain, her daughter that runs away from doom, her daughter that runs away from stress is the daughter she needs. 

I need to find the strength. I know it is there. This is my calling. My mother is my life, she gave me life; I would give my life for her life.

Help me find this strength...

Friday, January 13, 2012



We know this word. We fear this word. Most of us do everything in our power to live a clean and healthy life in any way to prevent this word.

What if that isn't enough? What if it doesn't really matter?

What if?

I have decided to talk about it. 

My mom has cancer. 

Words I never expected to say. Words I never wanted to say. Words I wish I could take back.