Sunday, April 24, 2011

The California hangover

What exactly is a hangover?  A feeling or sickness directly following a night of excess fun and pleasure? Well then I have a hangover, a California hangover.

The night before my trip I called my good friend and expressed my worry about visiting the golden coast.  See, I love California, but I left California.  I know I cannot return, at least not until I am finished here.  I also know my weaknesses and by visiting California I would remember how much I loved my home state. 

 During my very short time there I commuted through several southern California cities visiting almost all of my favorite people and had the most amazing time. The weather worked out, the people worked out, the surprises worked out, and the parties worked out.  What more could I have asked for?

I should have prepared for what comes next just as much as I prepared for the trip.  I came home to a void.  This is a void I did not know I had until it was filled during the weekend.  As I flew across the country on Sunday night I could slowly feel what I had gained was retreating once more. As the miles distanced from where I was raised I felt small pieces of me being torn away.  I landed in New York to a gloomy and misty morning feeling empty.  It was awful.  It was deep down in my gut and I carried it with me the entire first week I was back. I miss California more than I ever imagined but what I really need to remember if life is not like a weekend visit.  People do not always make the time to see you.  Life can be lonely where ever you live. Everyone wanted to know when I was moving back and the hardest part of that question is that I do not have an answer.  I want to have an answer but I don't.  California to New York is a lot easier than New York to California in every way possible.  I have more friends in California than I do in New York but sometimes that can be even harder. I was lonely living in California too. It is hard to remember the reason I left when it felt so good and natural to be back.  I know the person I am today is someone much different and stronger than the Lindsay before but it is still a scary thought.

I am so proud of all my accomplishments here.  What I love most about what I have gained through the adventures of the past 18 months is knowing that if your heart is truly set on something and you put in ALL the hard work to survive, you end up thriving more than ever imagined. My California hangover may hurt but it also gives me the ability to truly weigh my options. It allows me to play with the idea of moving back.  What is so nice is that I have time.  I have the time to make the right decision for me. I have time pick the right job or right location if that day comes. At least I have until June.....that's enough time, right?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My boss offered me a promotion.  Well, actually she sort of offered me a promise for a promotion.  See she is building a new company and if all goes well I have a new position.  That is guaranteed.  But, do I want it? It would be big. I would have to endure another year at this work now before things take off (if they) take off.  Can I call New York home for that much longer?

I think my answer is the most difficult in the world.  Not because I cannot decide but because I already know and I am afraid of what it does for other aspects of my life.  I do not have to make any decisions until June but this weight is starting to build heavy on my heart.

I  make good money. I can make great money. Will I regret it someday if I follow the money and put my heart second? What if I go with my heart and fail and lose it all?

Tonight there is no interesting story or clever comparison to my thoughts. I am all over the place and my writing shows.  It is nights like these that need to be documented just as much as the others....