Thursday, November 17, 2011

Countdown til' the end.

I think it is time to break up with the love of my life.


I never thought this time would come. When you utterly feel like it is harder to fake happiness than to change it. I have loved this city as far as I can remember but I feel a pit deep in my stomach.  When I set my year goal on the East Coast I only assumed I would complete it and move on.  As that year surpassed I was so deeply enamored with the beauty of my life here I could not imagine leaving.  My journey was not over. The most confusing feeling was the moment I realized every plan I had set in motion was over and I had nothing else. I was confused on what was next but at the same time I was excited and thrilled.  People kept asking me when I was moving back and I had no answer.  I wasn't moving back.  I loved the hours at work, I loved my apartment, I loved the money, and I loved my friends.  Isn't that a complete life? Why would I leave? But, should I leave?


It was June 30th, the day I gave myself as a cut off as the decision maker. Move or stay. I still had no idea. July 25th: no decision. So maybe life isn't as black and white as I had hoped.  Maybe I cannot give myself a date to decide and expect to really know if I made the right decision.  I did the only thing I knew how to do, I kept on. As I have previously said probably 1000 times we all have a love/hate relationship with New York and so I figured I was in the hate stage and sure enough as fall approached I would "fall" in love again, right? I did last year. Why would I leave before I was about to fall even deeper? What if...


It is October 31st and I have never been more sure of my love lost than I am now.   It is like the relationship with the guy you love that is not good for you.  The one that is so much fun but can never give you the life you want. That is my New York.  I love this city with my soul. This city has changed me and saved me but I have to leave.  I do not doubt that the next 8 months will be the most glorious and memorable in my life but I feel satisfied in my decision.  I am proud of what I have accomplished here and I am even more proud of who I am. To me, that this exactly what love is. It changed you, forms you. and forces you to grow and move on...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

About time I spoke up.

All we do right is make love
We both know now it ain’t enough
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
God I ask you where’s from
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye

Baby who we are just didn’t work
But maybe we can leave with something out of all this hurt
Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye

Ain’t gonna beg you to stay
Ain’t gonna ask you what’s wrong
Ain’t no reason running for something is already gone
Take up your leave in dress
Let’s do what we do best
I guess everybody’s got a way of moving on
Girl rest your head one more time in my bed
Love me like you loved me when you loved me
And you didn’t have to try
Let’s lay down tonight
And kiss tomorrow goodbye
Let’s kiss tomorrow goodbye.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The California hangover

What exactly is a hangover?  A feeling or sickness directly following a night of excess fun and pleasure? Well then I have a hangover, a California hangover.


The night before my trip I called my good friend and expressed my worry about visiting the golden coast.  See, I love California, but I left California.  I know I cannot return, at least not until I am finished here.  I also know my weaknesses and by visiting California I would remember how much I loved my home state. 

 During my very short time there I commuted through several southern California cities visiting almost all of my favorite people and had the most amazing time. The weather worked out, the people worked out, the surprises worked out, and the parties worked out.  What more could I have asked for?


I should have prepared for what comes next just as much as I prepared for the trip.  I came home to a void.  This is a void I did not know I had until it was filled during the weekend.  As I flew across the country on Sunday night I could slowly feel what I had gained was retreating once more. As the miles distanced from where I was raised I felt small pieces of me being torn away.  I landed in New York to a gloomy and misty morning feeling empty.  It was awful.  It was deep down in my gut and I carried it with me the entire first week I was back. I miss California more than I ever imagined but what I really need to remember if life is not like a weekend visit.  People do not always make the time to see you.  Life can be lonely where ever you live. Everyone wanted to know when I was moving back and the hardest part of that question is that I do not have an answer.  I want to have an answer but I don't.  California to New York is a lot easier than New York to California in every way possible.  I have more friends in California than I do in New York but sometimes that can be even harder. I was lonely living in California too. It is hard to remember the reason I left when it felt so good and natural to be back.  I know the person I am today is someone much different and stronger than the Lindsay before but it is still a scary thought.

I am so proud of all my accomplishments here.  What I love most about what I have gained through the adventures of the past 18 months is knowing that if your heart is truly set on something and you put in ALL the hard work to survive, you end up thriving more than ever imagined. My California hangover may hurt but it also gives me the ability to truly weigh my options. It allows me to play with the idea of moving back.  What is so nice is that I have time.  I have the time to make the right decision for me. I have time pick the right job or right location if that day comes. At least I have until June.....that's enough time, right?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My boss offered me a promotion.  Well, actually she sort of offered me a promise for a promotion.  See she is building a new company and if all goes well I have a new position.  That is guaranteed.  But, do I want it? It would be big. I would have to endure another year at this work now before things take off (if they) take off.  Can I call New York home for that much longer?

I think my answer is the most difficult in the world.  Not because I cannot decide but because I already know and I am afraid of what it does for other aspects of my life.  I do not have to make any decisions until June but this weight is starting to build heavy on my heart.

I  make good money. I can make great money. Will I regret it someday if I follow the money and put my heart second? What if I go with my heart and fail and lose it all?

Tonight there is no interesting story or clever comparison to my thoughts. I am all over the place and my writing shows.  It is nights like these that need to be documented just as much as the others....

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Roller coasters in the City

February has been more of a roller coaster ride than a month on the calendar.  This month is leaving me feeling a bit dizzy, confused, and wonder struck. 

 Remember how you felt on your very first roller coaster ride? The first time you strapped into the seat and  began on the endless climb to the top of the first drop? This month began just like that. A never ending climb that as distance from the ground increased my stomach grew more and more anxious and nervous. 

 You can see how the ride looks from the ground but experiencing it can be very different. 'What ifs' are flooding through your mind and it is difficult to steady your fears and find grace. It feels like it is taking forever to get to the top of this ride.  As soon as you are there you only have a brief second left to try and breath in the experience.   Tell yourself that no matter how this ride goes, enjoy it while you can. Before you know it you are thrusted  full speed ahead dropping, twisting, and flipping. Before I knew it I was full speed ahead through to the end of this month fully heightened to every drop, turn, and flip I was feeling. The only way I can explain this sensation is to try and imagine the moment you step off that ride with your hair a mess not really sure how to embrace your emotions about what juts happened, but you are smiling to say the least. Wahoo, what a ride!

Now what? Your friends are shouting, "Again! or Next ride!"  Why are we always in a rush to head to the next ride? Whether it is striving for another chapter in the same book or a completely new book, why does everyone crave a constant flow of change? February is closing and I am still that girl with her hair a mess trying to grasp a little clarity about my emotions and I am OK with that.  I am better than OK with it. I think I will just stay right here and enjoy the memory of the ride with no intention of explaining any of it.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Touche

I know we all know the say "when one door closes another opens" but I do not entirely agree with this.  I do believe that in life we are constantly changing with the jobs we take, people we meet, and relationships we make. When one door closes a window cracks open.  It is our responsibility to notice the draft and welcome the breeze.  As we continue to open each window, life happens.

My life happens to be moving backwards. The world is moving backwards. My world is moving backwards. The biggest door I have ever seen in my life creaked open and I could smell it;  I could hear hear and feel it.  For the better part of my life I would have run from this but this time I looked at the door and barged through.  What I saw and experienced was amazing and magical.  Words cannot express it. He was amazing and exactly what I needed at that moment. As quickly as this door emerged and open, it shut.  I am ok with this.  In fact I am better than ok, I am honored. I take so much from this experience that my life will never be the same.  The friends I make and the men I love from now on will get to experience a Lindsay most have never met. 

Of course at a time I wished this door was my final path but I think I knew it was not meant to be.  This is where I needed my window to relieve me from the constant heat.  I began to open it slightly more and more each day.  I did not know, nor do I know now what this means. I do know that my life is moving backwards.  As I move forward my relationships and experiences circle back to the past.

 This is funny to me because as I was reading my horoscope today I was caught off gaurd. Believe. Don't believe, I do not care. This is what I read: "Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want, and experience is exactly what you got this time. Use it wisely to guide you in a new direction. Call on your well-earned wisdom to figure out a new way of doing something.  If you can apply a recent lesson to a new effort, you will succeed beyond your wildest dreams.

Point taken.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Year 2

Life is not only measured by our immense accomplishments.  It is also about the little victories. This past few days I have been visiting with my parents during their first visit together to New York.  It is funny to think they have never been here to see where I live, until now.  Nonetheless, I got the chance to show them my neighborhood, my favorite places, my favorite people, and all my usual stomping grounds.  During their visit we got to talking about how I have been feeling since completing my year here.  I never expected to have negative thoughts after achieving all I wanted.

My mom reminded me that sometimes it really is not in the big picture but the small puzzle pieces that slowly connect.  Every day I am working on my life's picture. Every day I add another piece and get closer to the big picture.  I knew a few months ago that I was not finished here in New York and I think it is even more evident now.  As I sobbed when I said goodbye to my parents I also knew that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I miss them but I know I have their support and love. Their visit has given me more strength and determination than ever. I now know how I want to mold this next adventure here.  I know what I want to accomplish in New York.  I even know how to do it.

The first year I was getting my feet wet. It is safe to say I was learning the ropes in this foreign town. I can best describe it like that of your first apartment.  It takes time to figure out how to save space, where and how to store all your junk, how you want to decorate each room.  It takes time to chose the paint colors, pillows, and decor.  Each new apartment after the first it is easier.  You may make minor adjustments and improvements to fit each new space but the base decisions pretty much stay the same.  I think that is exactly how life is here.  It takes time to paint this city with your individual colors.

I was walking home tonight with the biggest smile on my face. I think the people on the street thought I was frozen that way because I was getting some odd looks. I cannot stop smiling. I am surrounded by the most amazing family and friends who live far away but support every decision I am making right now.  I also have the most incredible friends, family, and support group in New York. I am so excited to make the most of this adventure. Can you imagine how amazing it can get? I am excited to do what I want to here.  I am thrilled to do things I never knew I wanted to do. I excited to build on the decor of my first year.  

So, tomorrow I start my list. My list of small "to do's" that will eventually define year #2.  This is my plan.  This year will be about places to see, events to partake in, and people to love. Maybe all the breaks and mistakes were supposed to carry me here. This time I will get it right. My life is passing by and this time I am going to get it right. Nothing will stop me now.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Snow and the City!

Snow Day in New York City?  Well, that doesn't sound fun.  As far as I am concerned a snow day means you get to stay in your pj's all day watching TV in front of the fireplace. Where is my fireplace?
I have to work today.  In fact I have to go into work several hours earlier than normal.  I have to go out in the snow and pretend to enjoy myself.  Don't get me wrong, I actually love the snow but on my own terms.  I do not appreciate that my only pair of snow boots broke yesterday. I do not appreciate the fact my parents might not be able to fly in today. I do not appreciate walking in 3 ft. of snow to work. I do not appreciate this snow day in NYC.

I want to be in Atlantis with the Sewell's.  I want to be in Southern California with the Gronau's and Johnson's.  I want to be in Colorado with David and Kelly.  I wouldn't mind a trip to Arizona to be with the Mack's.   I want to run away. I want out. ( but do I really?)

I am tired of pretending today. I am tired of the inconsistency of this city and the people in it.

Running away not my answer. I know this.  I do not know what it is about this new year that frightens me so much. I have been in a bad funk ever since the first day of 2011.  I have never liked "odd" years and I think I have just set myself up to fail.  I assume that after such a productive and amazing year last year I am doomed for something bad now.  I just sit here waiting for it to happen. Who does that? What is wrong with me?

Today I accept a new challenge. Today I make a pact with myself to stay positive and accept anything and everything that comes my way with open arms. Even the damn snow.  Of course I do not appreciate this snow day but I will make the best from it. I will hold it in my hands, form it to fit my hands and throw it in my direction of choice; much like life.  I will smile through this day no matter how I feel inside. I will smile through this year and prosper to new heights.  I will because I want to.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

365 days and the city

one year. 365 days.

Something feels quite off today. I should be happier than I am.  I feel uneasy. Maybe I am overreacting but I am usually right with these feelings. Something has changed. I don't want it to change. I want progress. I feel like right as I was beginning to open up the door is closing.

My blog today should be about this one year milestone that I have achieved but there really is not much to say about it.  I set a goal when I was a kid and today I successfully accomplished it. But now what? Where do I go from here? What goal do I set for myself? I never expected to feel sadness today.