Thursday, November 17, 2011

Countdown til' the end.

I think it is time to break up with the love of my life.

I never thought this time would come. When you utterly feel like it is harder to fake happiness than to change it. I have loved this city as far as I can remember but I feel a pit deep in my stomach.  When I set my year goal on the East Coast I only assumed I would complete it and move on.  As that year surpassed I was so deeply enamored with the beauty of my life here I could not imagine leaving.  My journey was not over. The most confusing feeling was the moment I realized every plan I had set in motion was over and I had nothing else. I was confused on what was next but at the same time I was excited and thrilled.  People kept asking me when I was moving back and I had no answer.  I wasn't moving back.  I loved the hours at work, I loved my apartment, I loved the money, and I loved my friends.  Isn't that a complete life? Why would I leave? But, should I leave?

It was June 30th, the day I gave myself as a cut off as the decision maker. Move or stay. I still had no idea. July 25th: no decision. So maybe life isn't as black and white as I had hoped.  Maybe I cannot give myself a date to decide and expect to really know if I made the right decision.  I did the only thing I knew how to do, I kept on. As I have previously said probably 1000 times we all have a love/hate relationship with New York and so I figured I was in the hate stage and sure enough as fall approached I would "fall" in love again, right? I did last year. Why would I leave before I was about to fall even deeper? What if...

It is October 31st and I have never been more sure of my love lost than I am now.   It is like the relationship with the guy you love that is not good for you.  The one that is so much fun but can never give you the life you want. That is my New York.  I love this city with my soul. This city has changed me and saved me but I have to leave.  I do not doubt that the next 8 months will be the most glorious and memorable in my life but I feel satisfied in my decision.  I am proud of what I have accomplished here and I am even more proud of who I am. To me, that this exactly what love is. It changed you, forms you. and forces you to grow and move on...

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