Expectations

Sometimes your dreams just aren't what life planned.  You know the saying life is what happens when you are busy making plans? I have never felt the truth in this until now. I think it has to be the fact that I am now nearing the end of the biggest life dream I have ever made and I am feeling quite poetic about it. I really do not know what I had in mind when I decided to move to NYC for a year of my life. At the time I was 12 and I came home from a week long East Coast trip with classmates.  I barged into my parents room and announced my move to the city. My mother smiled and nodded. I really do believe she knew I was serious. Flash forward 13 years when I made the phone call to my mom telling her I had quit my dream job in Pasadena and I was ready to head east. I think she always knew this day would come.

Like I said I really have no idea what I thought would come out of this year.  I have heard people say that they moved to NYC for a year and have been here for over 15 years.  Actually I have heard this same story more often than not but I am stubborn.  I wanted ONE year in New York; no more no less.  In fact for more than 50% of my first year here I couldn't wait for it to end.  I was ready to finish this adventure. I was having fun but this was not a life long choice.  I was ready to call it quits early.  My dear friend K and I were talking about this the other night and I think she is 100% right in what she said. I pushed on, I pushed further than I ever have before and now I see what life has planned for me.  I see why I am here in this place right now. Sometimes it is really in the fight. If I gave up I would have missed all of what I have now.

I am exactly 6 weeks away from completing this year and to tell the truth I am not done.  I cannot walk away from this experience on January 4th, 2011 feeling I had completed my task here.  So the stubborn girl who was waiting for this year to end is in no way shape or form ready to leave this city. I have no expectations for the next year or even the one following that. I may continue  east and live in Europe, I could easily end up back in California, or NYC may be home forever. I have no idea and I have no desire to know until life happens.   I will, however feel proud of what I have accomplished.  I feel grateful to have emerged into someone I am proud to be.  Sometimes when you live life without expectations the end result is so much more rewarding.  New York has filled me with emotion, self confidence, pride, strength, determination, hard work, love, and so so much more. I have lived, worked, and successfully survived in the most stressful and expensive city in the United States. I have traveled, paid off debt, set goals and achieved them all while healing a broken heart and tattered soul.  I actually feel like the Lindsay I used to admire. The Lindsay I will continue to admire.